The Wenger 16999: A Swiss Army Knife With 87 Tools and No Survivors

At some point in the 2000s, the tool engineers at Wenger looked at the Swiss Army knife, an icon of restraint and pocketable good sense, and asked a forbidden question: what if we put all of them in one? The Wenger 16999 Giant is the answer. Eighty-seven implements. One hundred and forty-one functions. Nearly nine inches wide, over two pounds of folded steel, and a retail price that historically hovered around $1,400. It holds a world record. It does not hold in a pocket.

An Incomplete Inventory

The 16999 contains multiple blades, saws for wood and metal, pliers, a bike chain rivet setter, a golf shoe spike wrench, a cigar cutter, a laser pointer, a fish scaler, a tire tread gauge and a toothpick. The toothpick is the same size as the one in the normal knife, which means somewhere in this monument to excess sits one gram of pure humility. We’d call it the designers’ little joke, except nothing else about the object suggests they were capable of stopping themselves.

Using It

You can’t. That’s the review. Opening the main blade requires two hands and a plan, because the other 86 tools come along for the ride, and the whole apparatus flexes like a steel accordion. Actual owners describe it as a display piece, a conversation anchor and a forearm workout. One reviewer claims to have used the golf spike wrench in anger, once, at an actual golf course, and describes the experience as “worth every one of the fourteen hundred dollars.” We are choosing to believe him.

The Review Section Earns Its Keep

Like the banana slicer before it, the 16999’s listing became a literary venue. Reviewers credit it with ending regional conflicts, achieving cold fusion and cutting a sandwich “eventually.” The running joke is that every review is five stars and none of the reviewers have successfully carried it anywhere. Switzerland has never officially commented, which feels very Switzerland.

The Collector Economy

Because production numbers were never huge, the 16999 has quietly become a collectible, and the aftermarket has opinions. Sealed examples command a premium over the original retail, engraved corporate gift versions turn up at estate sales confusing everyone, and knife forums host periodic debates about whether unfolding all 87 tools at once damages the springs or merely the owner’s afternoon. The consensus display method is a glass case with the saw and pliers fanned, which makes the knife resemble a steel peacock, and at least one owner has installed museum lighting. Meanwhile Wenger itself was absorbed by Victorinox in 2005, making the Giant a monument twice over: the biggest Swiss Army knife ever made, by a company that no longer independently exists, purchased by people who will never use it, displayed with pride that outlasts all of the above. If that’s a metaphor, nobody in the reviews wants to hear it.

Should You Buy It?

If you have to ask the price you can still afford to laugh at it, which is free. The listing is below. As a tool it’s absurd. As a trophy for the person who has every tool, it’s the last word, and it comes with a toothpick.