5 Reasons Why the Apple Watch Will Make You Uncool

It looks like Apple has gone and done it again. They’ve created an item that’s completely useless and have been marketing it like it’s something cool. The last time a watch or clock was cool was when one hung around Flavor Flav’s neck and reminded us all why we desperately try to pretend that the ‘90s didn’t happen.

Here are five perfectly valid reasons why getting an Apple Watch will make you the most uncool person in the world.

It’s Easy to Break

Putting stuff in your pants is a great way to protect it. If you have a cellphone in your pocket, you know it’s safe. No one is going to steal it (but if they did it’s a fun way to get to know someone) and it’s not going to get broken because you tripped and dropped it while watching a YouTube video of a kitten sneezing. Put that exact same thing on your wrist and it’s broken within a day. That thing is going to get smashed the moment you throw your hands up in the air like you just don’t care and accidentally smack someone in the face.

The Screen is so Tiny

What are you going to even do on such a small screen – read a text message one word at a time? If your significant other sends you a message asking you to pick up a few things from the grocery store, it will take you six hours just to read the list on the tiny stupid watch you are wearing and next thing you know, you are divorced because you didn’t pick up the milk. But, you’ve still got your watch.

People Who Own One Will Never Shut Up about It

The moment a person purchases an Apple Watch and straps it onto their wrist for the first time you will hear about it. You will hear about it a hundred different times until you can repeat their experience word for word as if it happened to you. Nothing they say after wearing this watch will have any importance or relevance to normal life because it will always be about the watch. Instead of “Hey buddy, want to go get a brew after work?” it will become “So, my watch tells me there is this amazing new craft beer place that opened up around the corner and I thought we could jog there so my watch can tell me how my heart rate is doing.” That’s a guy you want to punch. This watch will make you punch your friends.

It’s Expensive

The cost of this watch is the same as the cost of getting a new phone. Buy a phone; I hear they have these cool things called clocks on them that help you tell the time.

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It’s a Watch

Since when have you needed a watch? The last time people had to look at their wrist to tell what time it they could start drinking at was before we had giant watches that fit into our pockets – y’know, cellphones? When was the last time you looked at your wrist and thought “You know what this needs? A watch! A watch that does the exact same thing my phone does but now it’s on my wrist!” Never. You never say that.